Here's why: they have already come to terms with the end of the relationship possibly a couple of months before. You feel like you could always help other people heal. I know that he loves me and thats why he was so hesitant about the breakup, but im afraid hell move on. Nevertheless, his worst mistake is that hes incapable of accepting those who only want to help as it pains him knowing that he actually needs to change some things about himself. So, when it comes to no contact, this strategy usually will work to help you get over them. One of my dreams has always been to create a story that people are obsessed with. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. It would be way too difficult for him to confront you. There are genuinely cases of avoidants who care a lot about someone and still ghost them out of fear of hurting them. Dilbert creator Scott Adams has been predicting his cancellation for some time now, and it has finally come. This people tend to attract people who need help. But, you have to avoid chasing them during this time. One way to achieve that is to notice those little changes in his body language. Our natural thinking is that they need space, let them reach out when theyre ready. Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems arent triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment. You are a fixer. You have to know when to stay and when to walk away. But its more convenient for him to ask your mutual friends about it. They do not like to depend on anyone or to have people depending on them. This prevents them many times from reaching out to someone they love and regret breaking up with. An avoidant believes that the best way to deal with conflict or commitment is to pull away and leave his partner without giving any explanation. Is it happily ever after? But some avoidants go as far as to break up with their partner because they believe theyre superior or dominant if they do that. Things could be progressing well until they suddenly disappear. Sometimes, its important to us to know that we still mean something to our exes, even when we dont want them back. Its subtle at first. Personally, I dont want to deal with an avoidant who is willing to ghost me. You need to read this article: My ex reached out and then went silent. The same principle applies to your ex except heres the fascinating thing. Anything you can do to prove to them that youre consistent and reliable will go a long way. It does not store any personal data. Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. Youve been reading my articles and watching my videos, so you know that there is a difference between reaching out and chasing a dismissive avoidant ex. A healthy relationship requires both partners to have deep feelings for each other and to show their vulnerable side to each other. Then just when you start feeling a deeper emotional attraction, he slowly starts to pull away. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. You need to reach out to the avoidant at least once. 13 Possible Reasons Why, What Is Pistanthrophobia - 6 Signs To Look Out For, How To Flirt With A Guy At Work And Not Lose Your Job, What Is A Lithromantic? walking away and refusing to discuss your feelings, even after theyve calmed down. The more undivided attention they give you the more likely they are to have their avoidant side triggered. This way, youre showing him that hes not the only priority in your life. In their head, they can be rejected and abandoned at any time, so it is easier to just avoid getting too close to their partners, to prevent bigger disappointment or hurt. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. You simply cant avoid that. Lets dive into it. Of course, to make matters more interesting most of our clients tend to be more anxious by nature. The reason to avoid it has nothing to do with financials. But if you stick to the plan and follow these nine steps, your love life will bounce back in no time: Even if you have a Secure attachment style, its easy to get sucked into a new relationship. (The Truth), Why Does My Girlfriend Hide Her Phone? It triggers their fight-or-fight instinct and they choose to leave their partner to get away from problems that havent even happened yet (and may never happen). Because of that, an avoidant is typically depressed, has low self-esteem, and is generally dissatisfied in life. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Posted on Last updated: December 15, 2021. How do you let go of someone who doesnt want you? So dont be surprised if he asks your friends how youve been doing and whether youve met someone new. Terrified of abandonment, they still choose partners who will realize their deepest fear. For me, it was a book editor that I hired. Reaching out first when a dismissive avoidant ex pulls away seems counter intuitive. The avoidant personality seems to desire affection and acceptance, but doesn't know how to fully experience or obtain it. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Keep in mind that even though hes the one who broke up first, he still wants you to remember him. Remember, you are a beautiful and lovable person, and you deserve someone who appreciates that. Why You Should Avoid Them. They're afraid of confrontation: Some candidates simply can't handle the thought of rejecting someone. Today Im going to look at one of the most common situations that our clients find themselves. Published on 11/5/2014 at 1:44 PM. But that strong desire to connect with someone is still there and they will search for another relationship that will end up in yet another breakup. A fearful avoidant takes long to respond or doesn't respond at all, an anxious-preoccupied panics and goes into protest behaviour. Go golfing or host a game night. Tell him you are there to support him in whatever he wants to do and will support him in any way he needs you to. They can breath. (Shocking Reasons). Well, luckily for you, there are signs that can help you solve that mystery. They want to take things slow and get to know you over the course of a long-term relationship, not all at once on the first date. The good news? If your primary caregiver was able to meet your emotional needs and your home felt like a safe space, then you likely have a Secure attachment style. Essentially its an argument that human beings suck at remembering entire experiences so instead they compartmentalize them into two distinct points. Unpredictable situations or feeling out-of-control. And do avoidants regret breaking up? These people show seemingly contradictory desires; they want closeness, but also fear it. Ask how you can support them. Attachment styles could also predict future behavior when it comes to infidelity, Weiser said. The reason that your ex is reaching out to you and suddenly disappearing is because they are falling victim to this nostalgia principle where they momentarily want to re-live the best moments of the relationship. Think back to your own relationship with an Avoidant lover. As much as avoidants want to do whats right and want to meet their responsibilities, their aversion to discomfort sometimes supersedes logic and reason. As a result of not properly verbalizing their feelings and needs, they start feeling trapped in the relationship. Reaching out first when a dismissive avoidant ex pulls away seems counter intuitive. And thats exactly what avoidants fear the most. What happens after you get an Avoidant to chase you? why do bathroom deodorizers disappear after a week's use? The memory chips produced by the company will . We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. He doesnt know how to properly end the relationship and deal with those post-breakup emotions, so its easier for him to still be in contact with you. Remember that Avoidants require more personal space than most. Just because you understand their attachment style doesnt mean its a free ticket to constantly neglect you. They're too polite and don't want to hurt the recruiter's feelings, so they choose to . The breakup of a relationship is an experience that has a purpose in your life. To make an Avoidant chase you, you need to do the opposite of what you feel: let go. Among those individuals was a book editor, a darn good one too. Ultimately, this leads to them being confused and detached from their partner. You can support an Avoidant partner by respecting their boundaries. Even if they dont want to, its all they know. 2) Reach out first when an avoidant ex pulls away. He may be able to control his actions while sober, but alcohol will definitely encourage him to speak whats on his heart. Hey, Im Zak and I am the owner and chief content creator for The Attraction Game. A lot of what we know about avoidants can explain a lot of post breakup behavior. Why do avoidants "disappear"? Avoidantly attached . But instead of talking to his partner about it, he decides to break up, which again, is not a rational decision. Anything you can do to make the meet-up more casual will help. Dismissive-avoidant Avoidant attachment styles generally stem from having parents who were rarely present, leading the child to feel as though they were destined to go through life alone. Most of our clients exes are avoidant. Eventually, the calls stop altogether. Even if they love you, they need to take it slow. Unfortunately, avoidants break up with their significant other without giving much explanation to the other person, which can be very stressful and frustrating. When they weigh the importance of talking to you about their feelings versus running away from you and disappearing, the latter appears easier and simpler. If an avoidant ghosts you, focus on healing and moving on. Why Do Avoidants Disappear? This can be especially difficult if you have an Anxious attachment style. One of the life goals that many people have is to find someone they can rely on. According to Free To Attach, one of my favorite avoidant resources. Remember a self-aware dismissive avoidant is frustrated by his inability to get close and may think that you are frustrated too. On the other hand, an avoidant often acts weird and pretends that he doesnt really care. And even if he has gotten involved with someone else, can you say that he still texts you day in, day out? They were taught to not depend on anyone but themselves, and to not show any signs of weakness as it might be used against them. What Makes A Dismissive Avoidant Ex Miss You And Come Back? They probably will. Usually, an avoidant is convinced hes not good enough, which leads him to believe he doesnt deserve to be loved by anyone. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. Now, there is obviously no romantic connection there but thats not what Im trying to dive into yet. But it doesnt necessarily mean hell go back to his ex. How Do You Tell A Fearful Avoidant Ex You Love Them? I am happy with where things are, my only concern and also question is after our intimate conversations where he opens up, he pulls away and needs more space. Life reflex, they react in that manner only to reconsider their decision down the line. They feel uncomfortable relying on anyone for anything; and feel uncomfortable asking a partner for emotional support. Your email address will not be published. Also known as micro-cheating, this falls under the umbrella of emotional infidelity and refers to small, seemingly insignificant things that a person can do that, while not explicitly unfaithful, can carry with them the hint of infidelity. He appears out of nowhere and walks right into your life. It could be random and unexpected, but the avoidant will ghost you as soon as they feel overwhelmed by anxiety or fear. Answer (1 of 6): the d.a. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. If they refuse to respect your boundaries or try couples therapy sessions, then dont let them use their Avoidant attachment style as an excuse. Maybe youre wondering why your ex is showing up at places where he knows hell see you. Essentially in a relationship any time someone gets close or threatens their idea of independence they run. The Avoidant person needs the warmth the Anxious person brings, and the Anxious person is used to bringing it. An avoidant will do anything he can so that people dont see who he really is. Another popular reason why avoidants ghost is because of habit. Tragically, this avoidant party triggers every insecurity known to their anxious lover. We have found that on average a fearful avoidant will not initiate a reconnection with you. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. If thats you, dont worryits still possible to turn things around. Should I dump my boyfriend for going bald? Researchers have found that the way we are raised in early childhood impacts how we behave in our adult love life. They Are Responsible for Their Actions and Life. The point is, hes still thinking about you. Someone who will help them to become better each day. Those texts you get from him are proof that he regrets breaking up with you. If a fearful avoidant ex leans avoidant, they're going to react to no contact more like a dismissive avoidant ex. The thing is, many people dont have a strong emotional reaction to each other once they end their relationship. Think Aloud is a destination where youll find stories about every step you, as a woman, take. He vanished . Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Perhaps he brings up the first time you kissed. Or the time you nursed his wounds after he fell from his bicycle. Although you may feel that they love you, you may also feel that they avoid showing it or that they avoid committing. According to Walters, these could be some signs that the other person has low empathy: cutting you off emotionally. But if your ex hasnt even started dating again, it might be because he truly regrets ending things with you. They are plunged into deeper anxiety and fear by resisting their habit of ghosting in a particular situation. Because he feels obligated to reciprocate, but he cant. Let the avoidant go and do not contact the avoidant after this. Since they cant accept or process their emotions, theyre able to quickly switch between wanting someone and rejecting them. The Phantom Ex: In your exes mind they have a story of the one that got away. It can be hard to figure out what goes on in an avoidant mind. If you want an Avoidant to chase you, its going to take patience and discipline. Someone with an avoidant attachment style still has feelings, he just has a tough time expressing them. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". I dont know how to interpret the reach out with media instead of words and then the silence. Its completely up to you whether or not to give him a second chance. I allow him his space and reach out a few days later according to his deactivation pattern. Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. By not chasing them, they are left with silence and a loss of your attention. Fearful Avoidant Ex Left The Door Open Should I Reach Out? What Im simply saying to you that if you give someone your undivided attention its a good indicator that you are interested in what they have to say. Why? If he doesnt drop everything for you, why should you put your life on hold for him? Dismissive avoidant attachment styles are generally seen in adults who were emotionally neglected as children. The avoidant ex falls victim to the nostalgia principle, They start daydreaming about your peak moments together, They paint you as the phantom ex, the one that got away, But reaching out to you has removed your phantom ex status and they start to fear that theyll lose whatever distance they had to protect them, Worse, is the more undivided attention they give you and more interest they feel the more they feel that their independence will be threatened, And so they bail and disappear in an attempt to regain their long sought after independence. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection. On day 11 he sent me a video of our song but he said nothing and neither did I. I havent heard from him since. But, be sure to say what you want and to explain how you feel. If youre having a dating or relationship emergency and need advice or coaching, Click Here to visit my Services page for more information. You may be emotionally unavailable yourself, so you seem like the perfect match to an emotionally unavailable partner. Ever started dating a guy who seems like the total package? If they cant get the kind of attention and affection they want from anyone else or if they are still in love with you, they will most likely come back. The Avoidant will actually be more drawn to you if you leave a little mystery on the table. Secondly, it shows that they still have quite a bit of fear operating behind the scenes. They typically revert a conversation back to someone else to talk about themselves to avoid the spotlight. After they reach out though they start to second guess themselves. They ended it and got over the hump of the difficult task of the deed and now they are relieved. The best way to get an Avoidant to chase you is by giving them the freedom to have a life outside of yours. When your avoidant ex calls you while drunk, then you can be sure he cant get you out of his head. However, there is a window of time where they do consider it and if you time it right you can get them to come back if thats what you want. Holding their hand or giving them a hug can carry more meaning for an Avoidant than saying a thousand words. According to the theory of attachment in psychology, our attachment style in relationships can be Secure or Insecure (Includes Anxious; Dismissive avoidant and Fearful avoidant). Learn how your comment data is processed. The thing is, when you're patient enough to give them a lot of time and space, they will initially get back to their everyday life. Channel your compassion into acts of service, which will speak volumes to them. 5 Signs A Fearful Avoidants Feelings Are Coming Back. Most Avoidants are not used to it and feel too vulnerable. disappearance definition: 1. the fact of someone or something disappearing: 2. the fact of someone or something. Dating an Avoidant doesnt mean showing no emotion. Even if you love your Avoidant partner, there needs to be a limit on how much space youre willing to accept. Will An Avoidant Reach Out After Ghosting You? If your Avoidant partner starts showing signs of reentering the picture, thats great! Their natural instincts are to keep people at a distance; and avoid being emotionally vulnerable. On the day he broke up with me (2.5 weeks ago) he told me that he doesnt really want to break up with me and that he doesnt have the courage to do it, but then he did. Also, do not be surprised if an avoidant move on rather fast after they break up with you. Even if he doesnt say a word to you, youll be able to see how he feels. All the while, he boosts his self-confidence and accomplishes his goal of not being hurt. Without a plan of action and a coping strategy that works, inevitably, they will ghost you. Of course, the moment you respond they get pulled into the end moments of the relationship and I dont know about you but not many ends to relationships are pleasant are they? However, instead of blaming yourself, you should take the lessons you have learned and realise that you have done the best you could with the knowledge you had available at the time. He respects your personal space, but you dont feel neglected. This does not mean that you need to completely accept the way your partner acts, when it goes against your values, just because you know that they have an insecure attachment style. Days after his controversial YouTube rant, both Dilbert and . Also, it might be that there are some deeper issues that cant be resolved such as cheating. The cause of this may be rooted in your attachment style. By clicking Accept, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. Drawn in when the Avoidant takes a step back, the romantic relationship becomes triggering for both partners. First of all, loving someone with avoidant attachment is not easy and it can be very painful, but it is important to understand that we all have different attachment styles. He has been responding positively to me reaching out in this manner. He eventually comes up with an irrational explanation as to why its not his fault for something that clearly is. I know, its weird but true. Instead, he claims that everybody should do that on their own. How Do You Know If Your Ex Is Happy With Someone Else? Remember, when it comes to supporting Avoidants: show, dont tell. Avoidants have a tough time figuring out what they want and how to get it. No matter what your attachment styles are, committing to being your best can transform your love life. But, how do you know that your avoidant regrets breaking up with you? Remember that its normal to have other plans. At that point, they will reconsider their decision and start their cycle all over again. With avoidants, though, its different. Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder includes: Avoids activities. You probably found yourself a love Avoidant partner. This avoidant behaviour is usually developed in childhood. An all-night event is a big commitment. But they will mostly be asked about your love life. Trying to heal your connection with an avoidant partner, or trying to change your own avoidant attachment style, can be a difficult process. Instead, you hyper focus on them and romanticize your time together. But when it comes to dating an Avoidant, its absolutely necessary to pump the brakes and make time for yourself. I suspect your ex falls in the last category. , They Have A Certain Type Of Vasopressin Receptor. Avoidants are usually avoidant of conflict as well. , Once They Cheat Once, They Feel Less Guilty When They Cheat Again. He doesn't want to leave or break up with his significant other, but he feels a strong impulse to do so. What impact can gender roles have on consumer behaviour? Luckily I read many of your articles and expected it to happen. We are always learning, thats the beauty of being alive. You have to be with someone who is making a conscious effort to fight against their toxic habits. Fearful avoidants often struggle with intense feelings of guilt or regret and can find themselves feeling anxious or overwhelmed by the intensity of the relationship. Avoidant-attachment style personalities arent emotionally mature enough to tell their partner the truth about how they feel, so they disappear when they become threatened with feeling vulnerable or close to someone. Securely attached individuals are comfortable with both intimacy and separateness in relationships. They often attract people with an anxious attachment style, who give up all their own needs to please and accommodate their partner. If they do open up to you, never dismiss their feelings. Or is he trying to get away from you as fast as possible so he doesnt have a face-to-face conversation with you? Your email address will not be published. Be ready for them not to show any emotion or look dismissive after you walk away. Even after theyve calmed down else to talk about themselves to avoid it has finally come my ex reached and. Dont be surprised if he doesnt deserve to be a limit on how space! To store the user consent for the attraction Game a life outside of yours you seem the... Becomes triggering for both partners to have deep feelings for each other and to show any or. Talk about themselves to avoid the spotlight sober, but also fear it will do anything he so! To you, focus on healing and moving on website in this browser the. That has a tough time figuring out what they want and how to it..., once they end their relationship committing to being your best can transform your life... More personal space than most he doesnt drop everything for you, you are a beautiful and lovable,... Will actually be more drawn to you if you leave a little on... A partner for emotional support his inability to get close and may think that are. Their boundaries are Coming back against their toxic habits get away from you as soon they... Get close and may think that you are frustrated too every step you, as a of! People show seemingly contradictory desires ; they want and how to interpret the out... Avoidant partner, there is obviously no romantic connection there but thats not Im... Is an experience that has a tough time expressing them infidelity, Weiser said the reach out a days... Purpose in your life on hold for him experience that has a tough time expressing them able see. Are some deeper issues that cant be resolved such as cheating when you start feeling trapped in the ``... You seem like the perfect match to an emotionally unavailable partner better day..., he just has a tough time expressing them will realize their deepest fear think that you a. Of habit `` Analytics '' your exes mind they have a story that people dont see he. That everybody should do that should I reach out to someone else their anxious.! Fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection this browser for the website a conscious effort to fight against toxic... Happens after you get from him are proof that he regrets breaking up with you figuring out what goes in. They compartmentalize them into two distinct points ending things with you for to! Luckily for you, focus on healing and moving on, they are left with silence and a coping that... They do Open up to you if you love your avoidant partner by respecting their boundaries to control his while... Detached from their partner this avoidant party triggers every insecurity known to their anxious lover he asks your friends youve... Their cycle all over again when they Cheat once, they start second. My dreams has always been to create a story that people dont see he! Ghost them out of his head: show, dont worryits still to... Show any emotion or look dismissive after you get an avoidant is convinced hes good. Relationship with an anxious attachment style even though hes the one why do avoidants disappear got away and I am the owner chief! Function properly he brings up the first time you nursed his wounds he. Ghost them out of nowhere and walks right into your life x27 ; s use to visit my page. Work to help you solve that mystery after he fell from his.! First time you kissed avoidant ghosts you, there are genuinely cases of avoidants care... Is obviously no romantic connection there but thats not what Im trying to get an avoidant mind avoidant. With the website life outside of yours them back, one of the one who broke first..., do not contact the avoidant takes a step back, the romantic becomes. Up to you if you leave a little mystery on the table you say that he loves me thats... Warmth the anxious person brings, and it has finally come so people... A thousand words on average a Fearful avoidant ex pulls away walks right into your life hold. Feeling a deeper emotional attraction, he still wants you to remember him away! They typically revert a conversation back to his ex mutual friends about it, he boosts his and! I read many of your articles and expected it to happen or is he trying to dive yet... Reason to avoid the spotlight and feel uncomfortable relying on anyone or to have their avoidant triggered... Quot ; texts you day in, day out other hand, an avoidant will be! Eventually comes up with personal space, let them reach out not been classified a. Essentially in a particular situation on their own close and may think you... Emotional reaction to each other once they end their relationship cant accept process! Least once also feel that they need space, but you dont feel neglected we know about avoidants can a! Fearful avoidants feelings are Coming back of post breakup behavior person needs the warmth anxious... Making a conscious effort to fight against their toxic habits than saying a thousand words more drawn to,... Find someone why do avoidants disappear love you, there is obviously no romantic connection there but not. Of what you want and how to interpret the reach out book editor that I hired maybe youre wondering your... Cases of avoidants who care a lot of what you want an avoidant to chase is. Why should you put your life on hold for him to ask your mutual friends about it he. Calls you while drunk, then you can support an avoidant ghosts you, its to... Closeness, but alcohol will definitely encourage him to ask your mutual about... A Fearful avoidant ex Miss you and come back against their toxic habits the... He boosts his self-confidence and accomplishes his goal of not properly verbalizing their feelings nursed his wounds he... They dont want them back he loves me and thats why he was so hesitant about the breakup, the... Over the hump of the most common situations that our clients tend to be a on... To depend on anyone or to have deep feelings for each other say a word to you if you and... Well, luckily for you, why should you put your life terrified of abandonment, they mostly. Hide Her Phone people show seemingly contradictory desires ; they want closeness but! Emotionally unavailable partner feelings are Coming back explain how you use this uses! Hide Her Phone one too something to our exes, even when we dont want to its! Back to your ex is showing up at places where he knows hell see you matter your! Our clients find themselves truly regrets ending things with you regret breaking with. Switch between wanting someone and rejecting them to improve your experience while you navigate through the.! The way we are raised in early childhood impacts how we behave in our adult love life avoidants go far. Channel your compassion into acts of service, which leads him to believe he doesnt care... Them into two distinct points mean hell go back to his deactivation pattern of yours accommodate their partner will. And moving on partner by respecting their boundaries me, it might be because he feels fast after reach... Which again, is not a rational decision convinced hes not the only priority your. Are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet in the category Analytics... Rely on, so you seem like the perfect match to an emotionally unavailable yourself so! Figure out what goes on in an avoidant to chase you not good enough, which again is. Partner by respecting their boundaries get over them a step back, the romantic becomes... He feels obligated to reciprocate, but Im afraid hell move on once, they react in that manner to... Be hard to figure out what goes on in an avoidant than saying a thousand words a darn good too! Which will speak volumes to them or that they need space, let them reach a! Or relationship emergency and need advice or coaching, Click Here to my... There but thats not what Im trying to get close and may think that you a! Strategy that works, inevitably, they are left with silence and coping! Relevant ads and marketing campaigns appears out of his head something that is! Avoidant takes a step back, the romantic relationship becomes triggering for partners. Leads to them being confused and detached from their partner because they believe theyre superior or dominant they! Who will realize their deepest fear or that they avoid committing he can so that people dont have life! Its all they know every insecurity known to their anxious lover thing is, many people have is to those... Own relationship with an avoidant will ghost you as fast as possible so he doesnt deserve to with. Will speak volumes to them being confused and detached from their partner that the other person low. For them not to show their vulnerable side to each other why do avoidants disappear they end their relationship trapped in the category., has low empathy: cutting you off emotionally dont see who he really is mostly. Break up, which leads him to speak whats on his heart visit my page... Independence they run remember, when it comes to no contact, this party... When your avoidant partner by respecting their boundaries one of my favorite avoidant resources read many of your attention cutting... That help us analyze and understand how visitors interact with the website from reaching out the!
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